Categories: Gettin The Mind Right

5 Things I’d Like You To Know

Happy Monday!

2016 was a year of extremes for me. I had some really cool “once in a lifetime” experiences. I also faced some significant personal & professional losses. One day, while thinking about how that year affected my life, I had an epiphany. The epiphany was actually two parts:

ONE:  I became aware that I was in fact chasing outcomes; ironically something I coach clients not to do with their fitness goals!
It’s amazing. Some of the biggest lessons seem so obvious. Yet in hindsight, the lesson was literally right in front of my eyes but at that current stage of development, I just wasn’t ready to face it. Once I understood this, I felt relieved because I realized what’s supposed to happen will only happen if you are ready to let it come to you. Because when you’re chasing an outcome, your “ego” or small self takes over with the sole purpose of achieving that outcome.

When you’re solely focused on the outcome, you become attached to that outcome which is a double negative. If you achieve it, there’s inevitable disappointment because the celebration is short lived when you realize that there is also a downside to whatever that goal is and you now want something else.  We often spend time building up these goals so high that the actualization is simply impossible to ever live up to what we hoped it would be. The other negative to attaching yourself to an outcome is that if you don’t achieve that outcome, the journey to that point is considered a failure. When really, the outcomes we seek are just a small part of the journey of our lives. Remember; it’s not the destination, but the journey.

TWO: The second epiphany again seems obvious, but it’s something I think most people actually struggle with as well. It’s the realization that for every positive thing in your life, there is an equal or opposite negative pull. We often create fantasies around what we desire only focusing on the benefits.  In reality, those benefits can only be obtained at the expense of inevitable drawbacks.

Up until this point, I often had a “The world is ending!” mentality, overly sweating the small stuff as if it actually mattered in the grand scheme of things of life.  It was as if I only expected good, and when something went bad, I freaked out.

I’ve found that when you’re expecting anything to be a fantasy (all benefits, no drawbacks) that deep inside, you are still fearful of the potential downsides. It feels better to focus only on what we want to happen in the moment. In the long term, it just sets us up for a major disappointment. Nothing comes without a cost.

If you really think about what fear is, it’s an infinite worry about something in the future that hasn’t happened. But in real life, “bad” stuff happens—and then it’s over. You may have open wounds, but YOU have the choice to heal them and move forward OR leave them open to get infected and spread.

I wouldn’t call it rock bottom, but in 2016 I hit some of the worst low points of my life. But now, I could not be more grateful for what I learned from it. I now know that nothing is as bad as we internalize it to be. Having hit these low points, I realized that you can’t fall off the floor but you can get back up.

The Five Things I’d Like You to Know:

  1. No matter who you think has it all together – they don’t. No one’s life is perfect, so stop being so hard on yourself.
  2. The more you can detach yourself from the outcome of whatever you’re chasing, the more fulfilled you will be everyday.
  3. Expecting good without bad, ease without difficulty, benefit without drawback, and positive without negative will only lead to continual disappointment.
    • Side note on this one, this is NOT being pessimistic – it’s just the reality. But I’d argue that it can be VERY optimistic when you realize that you can get the good out of every situation (SCORE!) and actually benefit from the negative by learning from whatever it was.
  4. YOU have the choice: have a self pity/victim mentality OR take ownership of your situation and go on the offensive.
  5. There’s no “arriving.” No matter what level of attainment you reach, there will be challenges and surprises waiting for you. It’s easy to learn from success, but when you learn from failure, you grow a thicker skin and you improve your ability to get back up A LOT quicker.

If you’re dealing with some stuff and feel like you’re at a low point, please reach out – I’d love to help.

#meltmonday
#meltmindset

JC

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